I was in a sexless marriage.

Let me clarify — Unhealed trauma on my part was a key player in this story, and when you’re unaware of how to move past something so personal, so painful – you can find yourself settling for just “living” with the pain. I found this out after I had done some healing work – in therapy and spiritually – and learned how sexual assault can affect a person in the long run, if not addressed with support. Once I finally opened up and started speaking about being sexually assaulted, it felt as if chains were released from me.

Well, some of the chains. I still had a lot more healing work to do afterwards.

I started to feel free in the area of my sexuality in a way that I have never experienced before. I had desires that I started to feel ready to express to my then husband, but while I was doing the healing work around my sexual assault, he had came to a point where he felt like he had given all that he could.

I remember plenty of times where I was in settings with friends, acquaintances and coworkers and the topic of sex would come up. I would feel so uncomfortable and disgusted. I wanted nothing to do with those types of conversations. This was due to a few reasons but the main source of my aversion was from the sexual assault and the lack of sex that took place in my marriage. I’ll discuss this more (maybe, lol) in another blog. Long story short, one of the reasons my marriage ended was due to lack of intimacy.

So here I am, free from years of bondage of all things sexual for so many years, in my mid 40’s (they say this is when women are at their sexual peak and I kinda agree), divorced and a follower of Jesus.

Transparent moment: I was like “Lord, you are going to free me in this area of my sexuality for me to be by myself??!! How is this going to work?!!”

Y’all! I had questions for God! And I got answers!

(Find out more about those answers in Part 2, coming soon!)